i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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