Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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