This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
