Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
