all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I stole a fireplace last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
