Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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