this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
