i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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