its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
being pregnant is like rehab
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
