Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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