I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
