Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
