Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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