I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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