I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
