dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
