I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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