____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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