she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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