The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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