we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
