Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
