I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
