fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
