My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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