The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
