I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there was a trapeze. enough said
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
