Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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