I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
