Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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