Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
