my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
