Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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