Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
