foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
