I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
