sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
