My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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