Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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