i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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