I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
