My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Let's paint friendship bongs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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