i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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