I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
soo... how was my night?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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