omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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