grandma shit on top of the toilet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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