I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Its about making memories worth repressing
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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