Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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