I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
