somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
