I got chris browned last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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