If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
