I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
